…and by "daily," we mean "whenever"
Bill is at the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “I suspect that you might have prostate cancer, Bill.”
Handing Bill a sample jar, the doctor says, “I need a semen sample from you. Bring this back tomorrow for further tests.”
Bill returns to the doctor the next day and waits on the examining table. When the doctor comes in, Bill hands him the sample jar—empty.
The doctor say, “Now, Bill, I know that this might be unpleasant for you, but I really need that semen sample!”
A man is driving around a remote area of Cornwall and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
Two nuns are driving down a country road in England in the middle of the night. Out of nowhere, a vampire jumps out into the middle of the road.
The vampire bares its fangs at the petrified nuns, who are now stopped just feet from the hissing vampire.
One nun says to the other, “Quick, show him your cross,” and the other nun leans out the window and yells, “GET OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU TOOTHY GIT!!”
After a late night of partying, a guy invites his friends back to his new apartment.
While he is giving them a tour, one of his friends notices a huge gong and hammer near the wall.
“What’s up with the gong?”, he asks.
“Oh that’s not a gong, it is a talking clock.”
His friends voice skepticism, “Dude, that’s not a talking clock, it’s obviously a friggin’ gong.”
The guy replies, “No, I swear, you hit it with that hammer as hard as you can and it tells you the time. Go ahead, give it a try.”
His friend shrugs his shoulders, grabs the hammer, rears back, and strikes it with a loud: “GOOOOOOOOOOONG!”
After a few seconds they hear a voice from the other side of the wall, “Hey you jerks! IT’S THREE-THIRTY IN THE MORNING!”
Three blonds were competing for the last available position on the police force.
The detective conducting the interview looked a the three and said “So, you want to be a cop? Good cops must be able to observe and find clues. They must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities like scars.”
He walked over to a file cabinet and pulled out a folder. He sat back down and pulled out a picture.
He handed it to the first blond and said “by looking at this photo, what can you tell me about the suspect?”
The blond immediately said “he has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said “Of course you only see one eye, this is a profile photo! Guess you’re not cut out to be a cop, go home.”
Once upon a time, there was a toad. An average, ordinary toad—except that he was bright yellow. “Life would be much easier,” he thought, “if I were green like other toads. For one thing, I’d be less visible to predators.”
One day the yellow toad bumped into the Fairy Godmother.
“Fairy Godmother, please make me green like the other toads.”
The Fairy Godmother whipped out her magic wand, waved it, and -poof- the toad was green. Well, all except for his penis.
The toad looks down and says, “This is great, except my wiener is still yellow!”
“Oh, sorry,” says the Fairy Godmother, “my powers don’t extend to peckers. You’ll have to see the Wizard of Oz about that.”
The toad thanks her and goes hopping off.
Suddenly, a purple bear comes out of the woods. “Fairy Godmother, can you make me brown like the other bears? Being purple, hunters can spot me a mile away, the other bears laugh at me, and the female bears won’t have anything to do with me!”
So the Fairy Godmother again takes up her magic wand, waves it, and -poof- the bear turns brown. Well, all except—you guessed it—his penis.
The bear looks down and says, “My wang is still purple!!!”
Once again, the Fairy Godmother has to clarify: “Sorry, but my powers don’t extend to johnsons. You’ll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.”
To which the bear replies, “Well, that’s just dandy, but how the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?”
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy booze with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told her.
“Will you use it to buy things at the mall instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless one said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you nuts?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” the woman said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The well-to-do woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping at the mall, hair appointments, and liquor.”
Copyright © 2010 · Genesis Theme Framework by StudioPress · WordPress · Log in