Punnery

Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

A pessimist?s blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don?t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it?s a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man?s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it?s an I for an I.

A bicycle can?t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What?s the definition of a will? (Come on, it?s a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don?t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I?ll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can?t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn?t find the key.

Every calendar?s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t?aint yours and it t?aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you?ve seen one shopping center, you?ve seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she?d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa?s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.