Inland Revenue

[Ed. Note: the "Inland Revenue" is the British equivalent of the IRS.]

Dear Mr Addison,

I

am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply

to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you

raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take

issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”. It might

perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”. This is how we,

at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy;

traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your

frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining

and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat”

has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other

letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being

from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant

gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to

the toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised. In

common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of

these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin? or, come to that, a

“sodding charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great

Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the

nation as a whole.

Which

brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in

your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the

canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a

moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion

that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole

damned party” yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s

disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in

fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent

on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far

more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that

box-ticking fa?ade of a university system.”

A couple of technical

points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don’t simply write

“Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal

system; 2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrows of those

with nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice

because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the

sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I

trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way

wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point

out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and

go and live in India” you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations