the Daily Funnies

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her he didn’t have a gas can to loan her, sorry.

Sister Mary walked back to her car.  She looked in it for something that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to a patient.

Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.”

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs..Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The Lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones!, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do.  I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge motioned both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.”

Having reached the age of 65, a friend went to apply for Social security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, he finally got to the counter. The woman there asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very sorry but had left his wallet at home. “I’ll have to go get it and come back later,” he said.

At that point, the Social Security clerk said, “Unbutton your shirt.”

My friend was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and, with that, she promptly processed his application.

When my friend got home, he couldn’t wait to tell his wife about his experience at the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then said, “You should have dropped your pants … you might have gotten disability, too!”