the Daily Funnies

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist says, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady says, “to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes get big and he says, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!? No, you absolutely cannot have any cyanide!”

Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with “is this William Wagenhoss?” with the pronunciation not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, “get really good pictures of the body and all the blood” then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to question him. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

As I returned to the dinner table, my wife asked me why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but I was very, very happy.

A Florida farmer had owned his large farm for many, many years. When his children were small, he had built a large swimming pond a bit down the road from the house.  He fixed it up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

As his kids grew up and left the house he visited the pond less and less often, finally only to harvest the fruit off his apple and peach trees.   And so it was that one evening the old farmer decided to go to down to the pond and pick fruit.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to hold the fruit and went off down the road.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  The women saw him, shrieked, and all swam to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”  Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”