A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then
says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to
100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to
see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just
fine.
The board of directors of the prominent town charity had always hoped
for a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So when the
charity’s new Director was hired, she thought she would impress the
Board by getting a big check out of him.
She made an appointment with the lawyer and visited him in his lavish
office. She opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a
penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your
community through the town charity?”
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings,
the security level has just been raised from ‘miffed’ to “peeved’. Soon
though, the levels may be raised yet again to ‘irritated’ or even ‘a
bit cross’. Londoners have not been ‘a bit cross’ since the Blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “tiresome” to “a bloody nuisance”. The last time “a
bloody nuisance” warning level was issued was during the great fire in
1666.
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like
nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but, did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like
camping.