the Daily Funnies

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

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1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

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After numerous rounds of, “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

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JUNE 1934 TERM, COUNTY COURT, ANDERSON COUNTY, TEXAS:

I am writing of my will mineself that dis lawyir want he should have to much money he ask to many answers about the family.

First think i dont want my brother Oscar to get a g** d** think i got – he is a mumser and he done me out of four dollars fourteen years since.

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Why did the blond have trouble doubling a cake recipe?

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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there? ” The waitress nodded “Yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

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I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasions or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “America” in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.