the Daily Funnies

Ed was in trouble.  He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

One day, back when I had a Great Dane, I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart. I was in line to check out when a woman behind me asked, “Oh! Do you have a dog?” [Well, DUH!]

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time.

I went on to say that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men’s room where they found a strange-looking gentleman sitting at the entrance.

He said, “Welcome to the gentlemen’s room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

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Children’s Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

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1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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Joe sat as his dying wife’s bedside.

Her voice was little more than a whisper.

“Joe, darling,” she breathed, “I’ve got a confession to make before I go. I … I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe…spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S…”

“That’s all right, dearest, don’t give it a second thought,” whispered Joe. “I’m the one who poisoned you.”