the Daily Funnies

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry.  Soon he walks into the local pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man a gain orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.  ”I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

Sister Mary Katherine entered the convent.  As she entered, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, this is a silent convent.  You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years.  Finally, one day, the Mother Superior said to her, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.”

Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mother Superior said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior.  ”You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary Katherine.   Mother Superior assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the convent, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. “You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

“It’s probably best,” said Mother Superior, “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up—fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

A blond’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.  She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.  Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

These are not only lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, but the trenchcoats are cutouts that flap open, exposing the men’s nude bodies to approaching drivers…

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.  Before long before a police car arrives.  The police officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.  ”Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the officer…

“Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper.

“Tell me!  Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each  other.  One said, “Well, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really  great news.  Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, an ashen Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to  tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak  Bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,  ”What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up,  she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.”

Stunned, Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the engine of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…”Try doing it with the engine running.”