the Daily Funnies

On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  “God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim,” she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, “Oh, and God, this is goodbye.  We’re moving to Hollywood.”

Years ago (before enclosed cabs on fire trucks) a fire truck came whizzing past a nursery school.  Sitting on the front seat was a dalmatian.  The children started discussing the dog’s duties

They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No, said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds” or “Sex Lessons
7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, ‘Rock Bottom’.
17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity … Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.