the Daily Funnies

A game warden stopped a fisherman with a bucket of fish.

“You got a license to catch those fish?” he asked.

“No sir, these are my pet fish.” he replied.

“Pet fish?!?”

“Yes sir, every evening I take these fish down to the water and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back in the bucket, and I take ‘em home.”

“Fish ain’t that smart!” says the warden.

“Here I’ll show you,” says the man. So he poured the fish in to the lake, stood and waited.

Several minutes go by and the warden says, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The fish,” replied the warden.

“What fish?” the man asked.

The head of the local college’s Philosophy Department is walking along a beach one day and finds a magic lantern.  He brings it back to the faculty dining room where he rubs it and a genie appears.  No three wishes from him, but an offer: “I’ll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, “Now that you have great wisdom, say something!”

The professor says, “I should have taken the money!”

A man is praying to God. “Lord,” he prays, “is it true that to you, a  million years is but a second?”

“Yes,” the Lord says, “that is true.”

“Well, then, what is a million dollars to you?”

“A million dollars to me is but a penny.”

“Ah, then, Lord,” says the man. “May I have a penny?”

“Sure,” says the Lord. “Just a second.”

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but emptiness.

The officer says, “Is this your car, sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,  ”I must have taken Leif off my census.”

An Indian chief was feeling very sick so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one slice of the leather everyday. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”