the Daily Funnies

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young woman at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up  the ring Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There’s only $25 in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

I went fishing this morning, but, after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good  bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, so I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning “gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance;” it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “No other word and no other language can do it justice.” Read the story below and then you will understand.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an eye she said: “They’re 35 cents now.”