the Daily Funnies

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young woman at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up  the ring Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There’s only $25 in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

I went fishing this morning, but, after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good  bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, so I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning “gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance;” it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “No other word and no other language can do it justice.” Read the story below and then you will understand.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an eye she said: “They’re 35 cents now.”

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45pm when he found the CEO standing if front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

Certainly said the young engineer. He turned on the machine and inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

(more…)

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” says the farmer. “How many sheep were there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”