the Daily Funnies

The only cow in a small town in Florida stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Texas quite cheap. They brought the cow from Texas and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and ask his advise.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Texas ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Texas.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Texas?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Texas.”

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” she replied.

“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one fine spring morning in his new Washington, D.C., parish. He walked to the window and flung it open to take a deep breath of fresh air and to see the beautiful day outside.

Then he noticed a dead jackass lying in the middle of his front lawn.

Being new to town and not knowing who to call, he dialed the Capitol.

“Good morning, sir, how can we help you?”

“Ah, the best of the day ta yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Bridgid’s. There’s a dead jackass lying on me front lawn! Would ye be kind enough to send a couple of yer lads over to take care of the matter?”

The person on the other end, considering themselves a bit of a wit, answers “Well now, Father, it was always my impression that your type of people took care of last rites!”

After a moment of silence, Father O’Malley replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true. But we’re first obligated to notify the next of kin.”

Then there is the story of the three Viking ships landing on the
English beach, the first one rows up smartly and the Vikings leap out
energetically and haul the ship up. and assemble with their spears,
swords and shields and await their orders.

The second dragonboat follows closely and again the Viking crew leap
into the surf, haul up their ship and assemble neatly with spears,
swords and shields and await their orders.

The third one straggles on to the beach, the crew climbs wearily out
and half heartedly hauls up their ship. They gather in a motley and
bedraggled mass and await their orders.

The leader cries out “First ship, you are on looting. Second ship, you
get on with the burning”. At which the third crew cries out “Oh no,
not raping again”.

Monday

08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up.
God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let
them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend.
Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

(more…)

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here.
I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?!”

“Aw, crap,” say his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”