the Daily Funnies

Monday

08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so.

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes!” he replied.

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Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called t he police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 @ WAL-MART!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.”

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know, not everybody pays.”

Two men from the city public works department were working their way down the street. One dug a hole in the ground between the sidewalk and the street.

The other followed close behind filling shoveling the dirt back into the holes.

After watching this for over an hour, a neighborhood resident finally asked them what they were doing.

“I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in, but I don’t get it—why does one of you dig a hole and the other fill it in almost immediately?

“Well, we’re normally a three-man team, but the guy who plants trees called in sick today.”