the Daily Funnies

The only cow in a small town in Florida stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Texas quite cheap. They brought the cow from Texas and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and ask his advise.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Texas ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Texas.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Texas?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Texas.”

Then there is the story of the three Viking ships landing on the English beach, the first one rows up smartly and the Vikings leap out energetically and haul the ship up. and assemble with their spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The second dragonboat follows closely and again the Viking crew leap into the surf, haul up their ship and assemble neatly with spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The third one straggles on to the beach, the crew climbs wearily out and half heartedly hauls up their ship. They gather in a motley and bedraggled mass and await their orders.

The leader cries out “First ship, you are on looting. Second ship, you get on with the burning”. At which the third crew cries out “Oh no, not raping again”.

One very dark and stormy night an Irishman was on the side of the road hitchhiking. No cars were traveling that night.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, the man got into the car and closed the door…only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. The man looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, the man watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter the man saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. Gathering his last ounce of strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and scared, but absolutely hadn’t had a drop to drink.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They too were soaked and out of breath.

Looking around they suddenly saw the man sobbing at the bar.

One of the fellows said to the other, “Look Paddy…there’s that freakin’ idiot that got in the car while we were pushin’ it!”

Three men, an American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Chinese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Japanese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Chinese asked the Japanese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Japanese replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my country, it’s the face that people recognize.”

There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:

The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.