the Daily Funnies

I landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees. Unfortunately, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you”ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.

“I”ll do that right away,” says Gallagher.

---

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I”ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you”ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

---

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin” to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where”s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don”t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

---

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what”s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I”ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

“Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

---

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”

A very rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided to throw a party. He invited all his colleagues from work, all his friends, and all his neighbors. Included was Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. Everyone was having a great time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, and BBQ, as well as flirting. At the height of the party, the host climbed up on a chair and said “I have a 15 ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in with him!”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a splash and Colin was in the pool fighting the croc. Colin was kicking it, jabbing it in the eye with his thumb, biting its tail, throwing punches at and doing all kinds of other stuff like head butts and chokeholds, and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo instructor!

The water was churning and there was splashing everywhere. Colin and the croc were both screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin got the croc in a chokehold and strangled it.

The croc slowly rose to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish as Colin wearily climbed out of the pool. Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

Finally the host said, “Well, Colin, I guess I owe you a million dollars.”

“Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,” said Colin.

The rich man said, “Well, how about half a million, then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it.”

“Come on, I insist on giving you something! How about my Ferrari?”

Again, Colin said, “No.”

Confused, the host said, “Well, Colin, then what do you want?”

“I want the bastard that pushed me in the pool!”

A passenger in a Dublin taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, “Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab….

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, “Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife.”

The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, “God Save the Queen”, while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, “Vive la France”, while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, “Here’s your lousy canoe!”