the Daily Funnies

An old retired man picked up a part-time job at Walmart. Everyday he was consistently late. Finally, his manager called him into the office and said, “Listen, I know you’re part-time. I know you’re retired and just filling in your time so you’re not bored at home or you want to get away from the wife, not my business. But how do you think your team or I feel when you arrive to work late each day? What would’ve happened at your last job?”

The old man replied, “Well, my coffee would have been made and delivered to me and they would’ve said, ‘Good morning, Admiral!’”

Two Indians and a Tennessee hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young woman at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up  the ring Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There’s only $25 in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

I went fishing this morning, but, after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good  bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, so I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning “gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance;” it’s Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, “No other word and no other language can do it justice.” Read the story below and then you will understand.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an eye she said: “They’re 35 cents now.”

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5.45pm when he found the CEO standing if front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

Certainly said the young engineer. He turned on the machine and inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”