the Daily Funnies

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

One day Grandpa is feeling romantic. He decides to buy grandma a sheer negligee.

He goes to the local Fredrick’s of Hollywood store and asks for a sheer negligee. The clerk says “here’s a nice one for $50.”

Grandpa looks and says “got anything even sheerer?”

“Here’s one for $100.”

“Good, but got anything even nicer?”

“Here’s one for $200.”

“Is that your absolutely best, sheerest negligee?”

“Well, sir, if you want to spend $500, here is our very best, very sheerest negligee.”

“I’ll take it!”

Grandpa takes the package home and hands it to grandma. “Here’s something I bought for you! Why don’t you run upstairs and put it on and model it for me?”

So grandma goes upstairs and opens the box. The negligee is beautiful and so sheer and transparent you can hardly tell it’s there. In fact, she decides that it’s so sheer that grandpa (whose vision is failing a bit) probably wouldn’t even be able to tell if she’s wearing it. So, not wanting to damage the delicate negligee, grandma comes downstairs naked.

“Damn!” exclaims grandpa.

“What’s the problem, dear?” says grandma.

“For $500, they could at least have ironed the thing!”

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,”Honey, what’s for dinner ?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner ?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner ?”

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Damn it, Ralph!, for the FIFTH time, it’s CHICKEN !”

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

“Who’s that?” asks one of the passengers.

“I have no idea,” replies the captain. “But every year we sail past and he goes nuts.”

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.”

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know, not everybody pays.”