the Daily Funnies

Dan was a nice, but plain single guy living at home with his elderly, widowed father and working in the family business.

One day his father took him aside and laid out his finances and Dan was stunned to learn how much money he would inherit when his father died. He also figured out that with that kind of money he could attract a stunning “trophy wife.”

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most stunning woman he had ever met. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He introduced himself and said “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few years when my father dies I’ll inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. Three days later she became his step-mother.

I went in for my yearly physical. Even before the doctor saw me, the nurse started with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?”

“160″

She puts me on the scale and says, “you weigh 200 pounds”

“How tall are you?”

“Five foot ten”

She measures my height and says, “you’re only five foot 7.”

Then she takes my blood pressure and says it’s very high.

“Of course, it’s high!” I scream. “I came in here tall and slender and after ten minutes with you I’m short and fat!”

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward. She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’ Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is ‘sternum.’”

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1977. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!”, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,

“What did you teach?”