the Daily Funnies

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks “What’s in the bag?”

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9″ high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches back into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag once again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a billow of smoke and a genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… Just one wish… each person is only allowed only one!”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Ya know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No crap!!” says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?”

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you, too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is: Finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.

The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.

Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man said, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. How do I become a monk?”

The monks replied, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, “I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.”

The monks replied, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, “Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it was because you’re not a monk.

Irish scientist (no, not an oxymoron) walks in to a bar with a head under his right arm, after 15 years of research. It’s Ireland, so naturally, the head can talk. The following conversation ensues, between them (and tangentially, with the barman):

Sci: What’ll you have?

Head: Whatever you’re having, yerself

Sci: Right-o – two pints, barman

They drink the pints, scientist doing the honors for the head, and lo and behold, the head grows a torso with 2 arms. Scientist, understandably, is flabbergasted.

Sci: It took me 15 years just to get you started!

Head: You don’t say?

Sci: Will you have another?

Head: Grand man you are!

Two more pints arrive, and with equal astonishment all round, the head grows lower half of body, with two legs. Both scientist and head are left almost – almost! – speechless.

Sci: Will you have one for the road?

Head: Bob’s yer uncle!

The final two pints arrive, the scientist and head salute each other in Gaelic – Slainte! – and drink down the pints of plain. Without warning, the head explodes, splattering internals all over the bar. Everyone looks around in morbid astonishment.

Barman: Clearly, he should have quit while he was still a head.

The basic reasoning of the American Indian—”When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, including:

• Buying a stronger whip.


• Changing riders.


• Appointing a committee to study the horse.


• Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.


• Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.


• Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.


• Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.


• Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.


• Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.


• Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.


• Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.


• Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.


• Denying that the dead horse is dead, but only asleep.


• And of course, everyone’s favorite: Promoting the dead horse to a management position.