Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ Category
Yet Another Lawyer Joke
Once upon a time there was a plumber who used to hang out in a nice bar. He decided his love life wasn’t the greatest, so one night he got all dressed up (suit, tie, the whole bit) before he went to the bar. Picked up a girl almost immediately, bought her a drink, hit it off. But when she asked him what he did and he said he was a plumber, she walked off.
Same thing happened the next night.
The following night he was commiserating with the bar tender and told him that the minute he told girls he was a plumber, they all walked away. “Look at me — I’m neatly groomed, all dressed up, bathed and lotioned, but it doesn’t matter to them when they hear I’m a plumber.” “Hey, women like the white collar guys. Next time, tell the girl that you’re a lawyer or a college professor or something like that.”
So the next night he picks up yet another girl and when she asks what he does for a living, he tells her he’s a lawyer. They have a wonderful night together and she invites him back to her place where they promptly have sex. When they’re done, he starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“I’ve only been a lawyer for three hours and already I’ve screwed somebody!”
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
What’s really important?
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
Be careful what you ask!
At a trial in a small Southern town the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
THE WILL OF HERMAN OBELWEISS
JUNE 1934 TERM, COUNTY COURT, ANDERSON COUNTY, TEXAS:
I am writing of my will mineself that dis lawyir want he should have to much money he ask to many answers about the family.
First think i dont want my brother Oscar to get a g** d** think i got – he is a mumser and he done me out of four dollars fourteen years since.