the Daily Funnies

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

“Who’s that?” asks one of the passengers.

“I have no idea,” replies the captain. “But every year we sail past and he goes nuts.”

Snakes known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater,Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the Grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who,startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

Awhile later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

A man and his wife were lying in bed during a rain storm when suddenly they heard a knock on the door. The husband turned over, grumpily got out of bed and went downstairs to answer it.

When he opened the door, a man stinking of rum was drunkenly leaning against the wall and slurred “Excuse me mate, can I get a push?” The man replied “No, and you shouldn’t be driving in that state”. He slammed the door and went back upstairs.

Moments later another knock on the door. The man angrily went down and opened the door again. The drunk, now half way down the wall, asked again “Mate, mate, I really need a push”. The man told the drunk off again and slammed the door.

When he climbed back in bed, his wife asked what was wrong. The man explained the situation and said forget about it. His wife, in her best nagging tone, told the man to go downstairs and help the poor man. “In this weather, it is dangerous for someone to be broken down in the middle of the road.”

The man, grumpy as hell now, begrudgingly got out of bed and walked downstairs. When he opened the door, the drunk was gone. Knowing his wife would nag him again, he ventured out into the storm to search for the drunk.

He called out “Sir, sir, do you still need that push?” The drunk slurred out “Yeah maaaate, I’m over here”. The man, peering through the darkness said “Where? I can’t see you!”

The drunk replied “Over here, I’m on the swings.”

I landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees. Unfortunately, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

I went in for my yearly physical. Even before the doctor saw me, the nurse started with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?”

“160″

She puts me on the scale and says, “you weigh 200 pounds”

“How tall are you?”

“Five foot ten”

She measures my height and says, “you’re only five foot 7.”

Then she takes my blood pressure and says it’s very high.

“Of course, it’s high!” I scream. “I came in here tall and slender and after ten minutes with you I’m short and fat!”