Archive for the ‘Lifestyle’ Category
The annual physical
I went in for my yearly physical. Even before the doctor saw me, the nurse started with the basics.
“How much do you weigh?”
“160″
She puts me on the scale and says, “you weigh 200 pounds”
“How tall are you?”
“Five foot ten”
She measures my height and says, “you’re only five foot 7.”
Then she takes my blood pressure and says it’s very high.
“Of course, it’s high!” I scream. “I came in here tall and slender and after ten minutes with you I’m short and fat!”
The cause of arthritis
A very drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a priest. His tie is stained with food, he’s got lipstick marks all over his face, he smells of cheap booze, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens his newspaper and starts reading it.
After a few minutes, he turns to the priest and says “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, annoyed by this individual, replies “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and failing to bathe!”
The drunk mutters “Well, I’ll be darned” and returns to reading his paper.
The priest suddenly feels badly about what he said, nudges the man and says “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk looks back at the priest and says “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it.”
The Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Symphonic Q&A
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Viola players?
A: Why wait; It saves so much time.
Q: Why are Violist’s ears sought after for transplants?
A: They’ve never been used.
Q: Why do Violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
A: They can’t handle any subject reference to “more than one position”.
Q: Why is a Violist like a terrorist?
A: They both screw up bowings. (Bowings/Boeings … Get it?)
Q: What’s the difference between a Violist and a terrorist?
A: A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers …
Q: Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Why are Violas larger than Violins?
A: They’re not; It’s an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.
Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A: A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot?
A: A Viola player.
Q: What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
A: In the “Texas Viola Massacre”, the killer was wearing a tuxedo.
Q: What do a SCUD missile and a Viola player have in common?
A: They’re both offensive and inaccurate.
Q: Why do Violists make effective rapists?
A: It’s hard to fight back when you’ve got your hands over your ears.
Q: What’s the most effective male birth control method?
A: Tell the girl he plays the Viola.
Q: Why don’t Violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn’t Violists take up mountain climbing?
A: If they get lost, no one will look for them.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a sheep?
A: A sheep that plays out of tune and has lousy time.
Q: What’s the ideal weight for a professional Viola player?
A: About 20 ounces – not counting the urn.
Q: Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: Why are so many Violists dating drummers?
A: It makes them feel superior.
Q: How do you get a Viola player out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: Why are Viola jokes so short?
A: So Drummers can remember them.