the Daily Funnies

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing and it’s naughty.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase … in no time.’

Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots sere inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’

Mildred was a small-town church’s gossip and self-appointed monitor of everyone’s morals. Most members were disgusted with Mildred’s behavior but were too afraid of her judgment to protest.

One Sunday after services she confronted Frank, a new member. “You must be an alcoholic!” “Why do you say that?” “I saw your truck parked in front of a BAR and I want everyone to know what that means you were doing!”

Frank was a man of few words. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He just stood there for a few minutes and turned away and left.

That evening Frank parked his truck in front of Mildred’s house and walked home, leaving it there all night….

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

A very drunk man sits down on a subway train next to a priest. His tie is stained with food, he’s got lipstick marks all over his face, he smells of cheap booze, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens his newspaper and starts reading it.

After a few minutes, he turns to the priest and says “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest, annoyed by this individual, replies “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and failing to bathe!”

The drunk mutters “Well, I’ll be darned” and returns to reading his paper.

The priest suddenly feels badly about what he said, nudges the man and says “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk looks back at the priest and says “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it.”