the Daily Funnies

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you, too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is: Finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

The head of the local college’s Philosophy Department is walking along a beach one day and finds a magic lantern.  He brings it back to the faculty dining room where he rubs it and a genie appears.  No three wishes from him, but an offer: “I’ll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, “Now that you have great wisdom, say something!”

The professor says, “I should have taken the money!”

Scene: It’s a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox “What are you working on?”

Rabbit “My thesis.”

Fox “Hmmm. What’s it about?”

Rabbit “Oh, I’m writing about how rabbits eat foxes.” (incredulous pause)

Fox “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes.”

Rabbit “Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me.”

They both disappear into the rabbit’s burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf “What’s that you’re writing?”

Rabbit “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.” (loud guffaws)

Wolf “You don’t expect to get such rubbish published, do you?”

Rabbit “No problem. Do you want to see why?”

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: inside the rabbit’s burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

Moral: It doesn’t matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn’t matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Read the rest of this entry »

So Descartes walks into a laundromat with a load of soiled linen (bedding, some whites), whereupon he is approached almost immediately by a beautiful, doe-eyed young woman who explains to him that the change machine is busted. “You wouldn’t happen to have any spare quarters you could part with, would you?” she asks, lowering her eyes and offering up a shy smile. “I have bills.”

To which Descartes, a bit flustered—and aware of the exact change he has in his pockets—replies, “Unfortunately, my dear lady, I think not.”

And *poof*! He disappears.