the Daily Funnies

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one fine spring morning in his new Washington, D.C., parish. He walked to the window and flung it open to take a deep breath of fresh air and to see the beautiful day outside.

Then he noticed a dead jackass lying in the middle of his front lawn.

Being new to town and not knowing who to call, he dialed the Capitol.

“Good morning, sir, how can we help you?”

“Ah, the best of the day ta yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Bridgid’s. There’s a dead jackass lying on me front lawn! Would ye be kind enough to send a couple of yer lads over to take care of the matter?”

The person on the other end, considering themselves a bit of a wit, answers “Well now, Father, it was always my impression that your type of people took care of last rites!”

After a moment of silence, Father O’Malley replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true. But we’re first obligated to notify the next of kin.”

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.. I directed them to leave her alone,but they wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavilytattooed biker and smacked him in his face … Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, ‘Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!’

St.. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Just a couple of minutes ago……..’

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing and it’s naughty.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase … in no time.’

Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots sere inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’

A man has a really serious heart attack and wakes up days later to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun came into his room and said “I’m sorry to bring this up, sir, but I have to ask you how you’re going to pay your bill.”

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied.

“No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced indignatly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Good, then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”