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God and Eve

March 21, 2007 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?”

“I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“Man? What is that?” asked Eve.

“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” said Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch?”

“Well,…..you can have him on one condition.”

“And what’s that, dear God? “

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring…so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret… you know, woman to woman.”

Filed Under: Jokes, Religion

The Irishman and the Three Beers

February 28, 2007 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry.  Soon he walks into the local pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man a gain orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.  ”I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

“Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all…”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”

Filed Under: Ethnic, Food and Drink, Jokes, Religion

Vow of Silence

February 27, 2007 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

Sister Mary Katherine entered the convent.  As she entered, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, this is a silent convent.  You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years.  Finally, one day, the Mother Superior said to her, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.”

Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mother Superior said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior.  ”You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary Katherine.   Mother Superior assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the convent, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. “You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

“It’s probably best,” said Mother Superior, “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

Filed Under: Jokes, Religion

Adam and Eve

February 20, 2007 By Glen Campbell 1 Comment

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Filed Under: Jokes, Lifestyle, Religion

Airport Security

January 20, 2007 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

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Filed Under: Jokes, Religion

At church

December 17, 2006 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said “Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. What ever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

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Filed Under: Jokes, Religion

Beware the Unitarian Jihad!

November 12, 2006 By Glen Campbell 1 Comment

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism — 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

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Filed Under: Religion