the Daily Funnies

The only cow in a small town in Florida stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Texas quite cheap. They brought the cow from Texas and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and ask his advise.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Texas ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Texas.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Texas?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Texas.”

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” she replied.

“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

Then there is the story of the three Viking ships landing on the English beach, the first one rows up smartly and the Vikings leap out energetically and haul the ship up. and assemble with their spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The second dragonboat follows closely and again the Viking crew leap into the surf, haul up their ship and assemble neatly with spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The third one straggles on to the beach, the crew climbs wearily out and half heartedly hauls up their ship. They gather in a motley and bedraggled mass and await their orders.

The leader cries out “First ship, you are on looting. Second ship, you get on with the burning”. At which the third crew cries out “Oh no, not raping again”.

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?!”

“Aw, crap,” say his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical. His doctor says he might be having some prostate problems and sends him to see a urologist.

When he gets to there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says “I’m going to check your prostate, but I’ll be using a new procedure that’s a little different than what you’re probably used to.” “First, I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say ‘99.’ “

The guy obeys and says “99!”

The doctor says “now lay on your left side and while I repeat the check again take a deep breath say ‘99′ again.” So the guy rolls on his left side and again say says “99!”

The doctor says “Very good! Now for the last part of the exam I want you to lie on your back with your knees slightly raised. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis and testicles to keep them out of the way. Again, take a deep breath and say ‘99′.”

The guy begins: “One… Two… Three… “