the Daily Funnies

Then there is the story of the three Viking ships landing on the English beach, the first one rows up smartly and the Vikings leap out energetically and haul the ship up. and assemble with their spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The second dragonboat follows closely and again the Viking crew leap into the surf, haul up their ship and assemble neatly with spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The third one straggles on to the beach, the crew climbs wearily out and half heartedly hauls up their ship. They gather in a motley and bedraggled mass and await their orders.

The leader cries out “First ship, you are on looting. Second ship, you get on with the burning”. At which the third crew cries out “Oh no, not raping again”.

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?!”

“Aw, crap,” say his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical. His doctor says he might be having some prostate problems and sends him to see a urologist.

When he gets to there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says “I’m going to check your prostate, but I’ll be using a new procedure that’s a little different than what you’re probably used to.” “First, I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say ’99.’ “

The guy obeys and says “99!”

The doctor says “now lay on your left side and while I repeat the check again take a deep breath say ’99′ again.” So the guy rolls on his left side and again say says “99!”

The doctor says “Very good! Now for the last part of the exam I want you to lie on your back with your knees slightly raised. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis and testicles to keep them out of the way. Again, take a deep breath and say ’99′.”

The guy begins: “One… Two… Three… “

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.”

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know, not everybody pays.”

Dan was a nice, but plain single guy living at home with his elderly, widowed father and working in the family business.

One day his father took him aside and laid out his finances and Dan was stunned to learn how much money he would inherit when his father died. He also figured out that with that kind of money he could attract a stunning “trophy wife.”

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most stunning woman he had ever met. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He introduced himself and said “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few years when my father dies I’ll inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. Three days later she became his step-mother.