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Financial Planning

May 18, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

Dan was a nice, but plain single guy living at home with his elderly, widowed father and working in the family business.

One day his father took him aside and laid out his finances and Dan was stunned to learn how much money he would inherit when his father died. He also figured out that with that kind of money he could attract a stunning “trophy wife.”

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most stunning woman he had ever met. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He introduced himself and said “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in a few years when my father dies I’ll inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. Three days later she became his step-mother.

Filed Under: Geriatric, Money, Sex

Catholic Parrots

May 12, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing and it’s naughty.’

‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase … in no time.’

Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots sere inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’

Filed Under: Pets, Philosophy, Religion, Sex

Yet Another Lawyer Joke

April 24, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

Once upon a time there was a plumber who used to hang out in a nice bar. He decided his love life wasn’t the greatest, so one night he got all dressed up (suit, tie, the whole bit) before he went to the bar. Picked up a girl almost immediately, bought her a drink, hit it off. But when she asked him what he did and he said he was a plumber, she walked off.

Same thing happened the next night.

The following night he was commiserating with the bar tender and told him that the minute he told girls he was a plumber, they all walked away. “Look at me — I’m neatly groomed, all dressed up, bathed and lotioned, but it doesn’t matter to them when they hear I’m a plumber.” “Hey, women like the white collar guys. Next time, tell the girl that you’re a lawyer or a college professor or something like that.”

So the next night he picks up yet another girl and when she asks what he does for a living, he tells her he’s a lawyer. They have a wonderful night together and she invites him back to her place where they promptly have sex. When they’re done, he starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’ve only been a lawyer for three hours and already I’ve screwed somebody!”

Filed Under: Lawyers, Sex

Gifts of God

April 7, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

Filed Under: Philosophy, Sex

Submarine FamilyGrams

March 24, 2009 By Glen Campbell 1 Comment

Familygrams when I was on the Jackson (SSN 634) were twenty-eight words long and each sailor got six of them. I think it was Lonnie Horowitz who either bought or talked some of the single unattached, couldn’t care less about family-grams crew members out of theirs and got called in to talk to the X.O. when he got so many that the radiomen couldn’t help but notice he had received more than his six. After that the radiomen were required to keep count on everyone.

I once got a family gram that made the gram of the month from my wife Carol, It read: “Sprayed for mosquitoes with roach spray. Bird, fish and turtle all dead. Trip to pet store in order. Bad day. Wish you were here” While I was on another SSBN one of her grams contained the words “I sold your truck” and “I love you.” That one was the talk of the patrol when more than a hundred Polaris submariners learned the meaning of the word oxymoron. It’s been more than 30 years since I received my first family-gram. I received all of my allotment from my dutiful wife and I read a lot of the messages received by my shipmates, but ever one I ever read pales when compared to the following family-gram story.

When I tell a story, I usually don’t make up names. When you read this one I’m sure you will understand why I am making an exception in this case and I know you will forgive me. However, if the parties concerned want to stand up and be identified, I will gladly publish their version with their real names. Until then, all I will say about this story is that it does belong totally to the Stonewall Jackson.

Shortly before flyaway, our semi-annual migration to Guam, the Stonewall Jackson received a new crew member. He was incredibly young then. He is young still today. His new bride was even younger. The couple barely had enough time to rent an apartment before the Blue crew was off too meet the boat.

In her small, sparsely furnish apartment Pam was left with an envelope her husband Petty Officer Hurley had left for her. She knew nothing about the navy or submarines. The family-grams must have been a mystery to her, but she figured out about the 28 words and she found out how and where she was to deposit them. She thought than since everything else she had encountered in her contact with the navy was top secret, her 28 word message to her lover-husband would be between them and confidential.

Her first message read “Uncle Harry is lonely” The radioman who delivered the message thought. “What the hell does Hurley care if his wife’s Uncle Harry is lonely” Had he know that uncle Harry was code for the newly married young lovers physical activities he would have spread it around the ship. It would have been a long patrol for Hurley.

The next message read: “I think uncle Harry is going to be sick.”

Then came “uncle Harry is definitely sick.”

Followed by “I think uncle Harry is going to die.”

At that point Mrs. Hurley received a phone call and an appointment to visit with the squadron 15 chaplain.

On her way to the sub base her mind raced through options she knew nothing about. Had the boat sunk? Was her husband hurt? Was she a widow at 18?

She was ushered into the chaplain’s office and seated across a large desk from the fully uniformed naval office with crosses on his collar. She was frightened. She was ready to cry. She was preparing to morn.

“Mrs Hurley,” the somber chaplain said. “Mrs. Hurley. We’re very concerned about your Uncle Harry.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry to hide her crimson cheeks. I think her response as she all but ran from the office was “He got better.”

Filed Under: Military, Sex

Why I Fired My Secretary Today

January 29, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.

“OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday.”

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…

Filed Under: Sex

The Spoon

January 24, 2009 By Glen Campbell Leave a Comment

Tea Spoon.jpgLast week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, “Steve’s Place,” and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

“If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

“By tying this string to the tip of our penis, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Filed Under: Business, Sex