the Daily Funnies

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks “What’s in the bag?”

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9″ high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches back into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag once again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a billow of smoke and a genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… Just one wish… each person is only allowed only one!”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Ya know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No crap!!” says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?”

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from day one! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken cros sed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either “for us or agin’ us.” There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken…What is your definition of crossing?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain… alone.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

A passenger in a Dublin taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, “Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab….

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral: I’m a gynecologist.”

That’s when the proctologist fainted.

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound.

The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.

Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man said, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. How do I become a monk?”

The monks replied, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, “I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.”

The monks replied, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, “Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it was because you’re not a monk.