the Daily Funnies

Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Viola players?

A: Why wait; It saves so much time.

Q: Why are Violist’s ears sought after for transplants?

A: They’ve never been used.

Q: Why do Violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?

A: They can’t handle any subject reference to “more than one position”.

Q: Why is a Violist like a terrorist?

A: They both screw up bowings. (Bowings/Boeings … Get it?)

Q: What’s the difference between a Violist and a terrorist?

A: A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers …

Q: Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: Why are Violas larger than Violins?

A: They’re not; It’s an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?

A: A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot?

A: A Viola player.

Q: What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?

A: In the “Texas Viola Massacre”, the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

Q: What do a SCUD missile and a Viola player have in common?

A: They’re both offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why do Violists make effective rapists?

A: It’s hard to fight back when you’ve got your hands over your ears.

Q: What’s the most effective male birth control method?

A: Tell the girl he plays the Viola.

Q: Why don’t Violists play hide and seek?

A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: Why shouldn’t Violists take up mountain climbing?

A: If they get lost, no one will look for them.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a sheep?

A: A sheep that plays out of tune and has lousy time.

Q: What’s the ideal weight for a professional Viola player?

A: About 20 ounces – not counting the urn.

Q: Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?

A: Upward mobility.

Q: Why are so many Violists dating drummers?

A: It makes them feel superior.

Q: How do you get a Viola player out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope!

Q: Why are Viola jokes so short?

A: So Drummers can remember them.

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but emptiness.

The officer says, “Is this your car, sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”