the Daily Funnies

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

“Oh really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.”

“Well now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence I say, ‘$20 or off it comes’.”

“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know, not everybody pays.”

A very rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided to throw a party. He invited all his colleagues from work, all his friends, and all his neighbors. Included was Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. Everyone was having a great time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, and BBQ, as well as flirting. At the height of the party, the host climbed up on a chair and said “I have a 15 ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in with him!”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a splash and Colin was in the pool fighting the croc. Colin was kicking it, jabbing it in the eye with his thumb, biting its tail, throwing punches at and doing all kinds of other stuff like head butts and chokeholds, and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo instructor!

The water was churning and there was splashing everywhere. Colin and the croc were both screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin got the croc in a chokehold and strangled it.

The croc slowly rose to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish as Colin wearily climbed out of the pool. Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

Finally the host said, “Well, Colin, I guess I owe you a million dollars.”

“Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,” said Colin.

The rich man said, “Well, how about half a million, then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it.”

“Come on, I insist on giving you something! How about my Ferrari?”

Again, Colin said, “No.”

Confused, the host said, “Well, Colin, then what do you want?”

“I want the bastard that pushed me in the pool!”

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

thanks to Rick Ferch

A game warden stopped a fisherman with a bucket of fish.

“You got a license to catch those fish?” he asked.

“No sir, these are my pet fish.” he replied.

“Pet fish?!?”

“Yes sir, every evening I take these fish down to the water and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back in the bucket, and I take ‘em home.”

“Fish ain’t that smart!” says the warden.

“Here I’ll show you,” says the man. So he poured the fish in to the lake, stood and waited.

Several minutes go by and the warden says, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?” the man asked.

“The fish,” replied the warden.

“What fish?” the man asked.

It\’s FOOTBALL season! Something to offend just about everyone…

(1) What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs? …..Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? …..A full set of teeth.

(3)
How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room? ….Grease
her hips and push. (Also helps if you have a salt lick about five feet
inside the door.)

(4) How do you get an Okla. State graduate off your porch? …Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs? ….To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum? …..Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Stephen F. Austin football player\’s life? ……His freshman year.

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? ……None. That\’s a sophomore course.

(9)
Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ……Tempe, Arizona. He
knew that the police would never look at ASU for a Heisman Trophy
winner.

(10) How do you get the Alabama football team to
stand for the National Anthem?…..The stadium announcer says \”…will
the defendants please rise?…….\”

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash…..)

(11)
Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?. …..You can wear it
to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along
the highways the rest of the week.