Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category
Pregnancy is no joke
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
Help Desk Log
Monday
08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…
08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm Lunch
Intelligent Blond?
Two sisters, a blonde and brunette, inherit the family ranch, but after a few years hit money troubles. To stop repossession, they have to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock.
With only $600 left, the brunette heads west to a ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister “When I get there, if I buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
Arriving at the ranch and inspecting the bull, the brunette decides to buy it and the man tells her it’ll cost $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send a telegram to her sister informing her of the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
With only $1.00 left, the brunette realises she can only send one word, but after thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’” The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it real slow. – Com-for-ta-ble.”
Copper Wiring
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: “California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
One week later, “The Express News,” a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near College Station, the home of Texas A&M University, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.”
Who’s on first?
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.