the Daily Funnies

The Daily Funnies is where I post jokes, usually received in the email from someone I know. As far as I can tell, all these jokes are in the public domain; if they’re not, please let me know and I’ll take them down immediately.

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Joke Policy

I do my best to keep the jokes PG-13. So let’s keep the really nasty stuff out of here, ok?

Send me your jokes!

None of this stuff is original, eh? So send your jokes to jokes@ this domain and I’ll review them for classiness before posting them on the site.

Miscellaneous

The image used in the header of this site is ©1998 by Glen Campbell. All Rights Reserved.

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "is this William Wagenhoss?" with the pronunciation not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to question him. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

As I returned to the dinner table, my wife asked me why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn\’t tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but I was very, very happy.

A Florida farmer had owned his large farm for many, many years. When his children were small, he had built a large swimming pond a bit down the road from the house.  He fixed it up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

As his kids grew up and left the house he visited the pond less and less often, finally only to harvest the fruit off his apple and peach trees.   And so it was that one evening the old farmer decided to go to down to the pond and pick fruit.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to hold the fruit and went off down the road.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  The women saw him, shrieked, and all swam to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We\’re not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn\’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I\’m just here to feed the alligator."

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her he didn\’t have a gas can to loan her, sorry.

Sister Mary walked back to her car.  She looked in it for something that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to a patient.

Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I\’m turning Catholic.\’\’

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs..Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I\’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you\’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you\’re a big shot when you haven\’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones! , do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do.  I\’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He\’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can\’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge motioned both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I\’ll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."