Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood: a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies.”

To this the Arab replied,”Och aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins.”

The old man replied, “Well, my coffee would have been made and delivered to me and they would’ve said, ‘Good morning, Admiral!’”

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up  the ring Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There’s only $25 in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, so I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an eye she said: “They’re 35 cents now.”

“Listen” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

Certainly said the young engineer. He turned on the machine and inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” says the farmer. “How many sheep were there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. ”Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the  head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”

“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.

“How long has it been?”

“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor

“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”

“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”

“How soon were you hooked?”

“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day — and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”

“What do you like most about Facebook?”

“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”

“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”

“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school — I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”

“Let me guess. Farmville?”

“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”

“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”

“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook — you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. ”

“What pic are you using?”

“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”

“To make yourself look prettier?”

“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”

“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”

“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”

“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”

“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.’”

“What did you do?”

“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says “Yup” and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”. The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

“I’m sorry,” he told them, “but I can’t let you in without a Thai!”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh…“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Two hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. ”Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!”

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “And Gentlemen, remember—you’re in this together—it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Serviceand asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.’

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.