the Daily Funnies

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” she replied.

“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one fine spring morning in his new Washington, D.C., parish. He walked to the window and flung it open to take a deep breath of fresh air and to see the beautiful day outside.

Then he noticed a dead jackass lying in the middle of his front lawn.

Being new to town and not knowing who to call, he dialed the Capitol.

“Good morning, sir, how can we help you?”

“Ah, the best of the day ta yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Bridgid’s. There’s a dead jackass lying on me front lawn! Would ye be kind enough to send a couple of yer lads over to take care of the matter?”

The person on the other end, considering themselves a bit of a wit, answers “Well now, Father, it was always my impression that your type of people took care of last rites!”

After a moment of silence, Father O’Malley replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true. But we’re first obligated to notify the next of kin.”

Then there is the story of the three Viking ships landing on the English beach, the first one rows up smartly and the Vikings leap out energetically and haul the ship up. and assemble with their spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The second dragonboat follows closely and again the Viking crew leap into the surf, haul up their ship and assemble neatly with spears, swords and shields and await their orders.

The third one straggles on to the beach, the crew climbs wearily out and half heartedly hauls up their ship. They gather in a motley and bedraggled mass and await their orders.

The leader cries out “First ship, you are on looting. Second ship, you get on with the burning”. At which the third crew cries out “Oh no, not raping again”.

Monday

08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

Read the rest of this entry »

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?