the Daily Funnies

Monday

08:05 am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

08:12 am Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

08:14 am User from 805 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm Lunch

Read the rest of this entry »

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back, Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?!”

“Aw, crap,” say his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”

One day Grandpa is feeling romantic. He decides to buy grandma a sheer negligee.

He goes to the local Fredrick’s of Hollywood store and asks for a sheer negligee. The clerk says “here’s a nice one for $50.”

Grandpa looks and says “got anything even sheerer?”

“Here’s one for $100.”

“Good, but got anything even nicer?”

“Here’s one for $200.”

“Is that your absolutely best, sheerest negligee?”

“Well, sir, if you want to spend $500, here is our very best, very sheerest negligee.”

“I’ll take it!”

Grandpa takes the package home and hands it to grandma. “Here’s something I bought for you! Why don’t you run upstairs and put it on and model it for me?”

So grandma goes upstairs and opens the box. The negligee is beautiful and so sheer and transparent you can hardly tell it’s there. In fact, she decides that it’s so sheer that grandpa (whose vision is failing a bit) probably wouldn’t even be able to tell if she’s wearing it. So, not wanting to damage the delicate negligee, grandma comes downstairs naked.

“Damn!” exclaims grandpa.

“What’s the problem, dear?” says grandma.

“For $500, they could at least have ironed the thing!”

One very dark and stormy night an Irishman was on the side of the road hitchhiking. No cars were traveling that night.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, the man got into the car and closed the door…only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. The man looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, the man watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter the man saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. Gathering his last ounce of strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and scared, but absolutely hadn’t had a drop to drink.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They too were soaked and out of breath.

Looking around they suddenly saw the man sobbing at the bar.

One of the fellows said to the other, “Look Paddy…there’s that freakin’ idiot that got in the car while we were pushin’ it!”