the Daily Funnies

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: “California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, “The Express News,” a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near College Station, the home of Texas A&M University, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.”

Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Viola players?

A: Why wait; It saves so much time.

Q: Why are Violist’s ears sought after for transplants?

A: They’ve never been used.

Q: Why do Violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?

A: They can’t handle any subject reference to “more than one position”.

Q: Why is a Violist like a terrorist?

A: They both screw up bowings. (Bowings/Boeings … Get it?)

Q: What’s the difference between a Violist and a terrorist?

A: A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers …

Q: Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: Why are Violas larger than Violins?

A: They’re not; It’s an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?

A: A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot?

A: A Viola player.

Q: What do you call a Viola player with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?

A: In the “Texas Viola Massacre”, the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

Q: What do a SCUD missile and a Viola player have in common?

A: They’re both offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why do Violists make effective rapists?

A: It’s hard to fight back when you’ve got your hands over your ears.

Q: What’s the most effective male birth control method?

A: Tell the girl he plays the Viola.

Q: Why don’t Violists play hide and seek?

A: Because no one will look for them.

Q: Why shouldn’t Violists take up mountain climbing?

A: If they get lost, no one will look for them.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a sheep?

A: A sheep that plays out of tune and has lousy time.

Q: What’s the ideal weight for a professional Viola player?

A: About 20 ounces – not counting the urn.

Q: Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion?

A: Upward mobility.

Q: Why are so many Violists dating drummers?

A: It makes them feel superior.

Q: How do you get a Viola player out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope!

Q: Why are Viola jokes so short?

A: So Drummers can remember them.

In more modern times, three pieces of string are walking down the street and sight a bar. They walk in, but the bartender grumpily tells them “we don’t serve strings here.” They loudly insist that they want drinks until the bartender throws them out into the street.

Two sulk away, but the third ties himself into a bowline, musses up his ends, and walks back into the bar.

“Hey, ain’t you one of them strings I just threw out of here?”

“No, sir, I’m a frayed knot”

A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. “Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey.”

The bartender ignores him.

“Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey.”

Still ignored.

“HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!”

The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.

Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, “I’m here t’git the man that shot muh paw.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, “Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife.”

The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, “God Save the Queen”, while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, “Vive la France”, while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, “Here’s your lousy canoe!”

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn’t bring her flowers—if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army knife!

Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn’t help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.

Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.

“Well, I’m young and attractive now”, blushed the woman, “but that won’t always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!”

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and anot her in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bla ck bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.