the Daily Funnies

Two hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. ”Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!”

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “And Gentlemen, remember—you’re in this together—it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

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It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Serviceand asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Snow White used her new digital camera to take pictures of all the dwarves.

When she ran out of memory, she took it to the store to get prints made.

A week later, she returned for the photos, but the clerk said they weren’t ready yet.

She was so disappointed that she started to cry.

“Don’t worry, Snow White,” said the clerk, consoling her. ”Someday your prints will come!”

A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist were summoned to meet a wealthy racehorse magnate. He told them he would give a million pounds to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After six months of hard work, they returned to present their results to the expectant millionaire.

The geneticist said, “I’ve looked into all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors. I can’t help.”

The physiologist said, “I’ve looked at muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but the problem’s too complex. There’s just no guarantee of predicting a winner.”

Finally, the physicist calmly walks up to the millionaire and gives him an index card. “Here you go,” he says “I’ve found an equation that solves the problem for you.”

“Wow,” said the millionaire, “That’s impressive…I’ll get my check book.”

“Great. But there’s one thing you should know,” said the physicist. ”It only works for a spherically symmetric horse traveling in a vacuum.”

A struggling young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; one night he’s at one in a small town in the middle of Iowa.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:  ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor! I’ll have you know that I am a well-educated lawyer and do not appreciate your discriminating remarks and may seek action against you to perhaps correct your behavior toward blondes.”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee. “