the Daily Funnies

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?!”

“Aw, crap,” say his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”

One day Grandpa is feeling romantic. He decides to buy grandma a sheer negligee.

He goes to the local Fredrick’s of Hollywood store and asks for a sheer negligee. The clerk says “here’s a nice one for $50.”

Grandpa looks and says “got anything even sheerer?”

“Here’s one for $100.”

“Good, but got anything even nicer?”

“Here’s one for $200.”

“Is that your absolutely best, sheerest negligee?”

“Well, sir, if you want to spend $500, here is our very best, very sheerest negligee.”

“I’ll take it!”

Grandpa takes the package home and hands it to grandma. “Here’s something I bought for you! Why don’t you run upstairs and put it on and model it for me?”

So grandma goes upstairs and opens the box. The negligee is beautiful and so sheer and transparent you can hardly tell it’s there. In fact, she decides that it’s so sheer that grandpa (whose vision is failing a bit) probably wouldn’t even be able to tell if she’s wearing it. So, not wanting to damage the delicate negligee, grandma comes downstairs naked.

“Damn!” exclaims grandpa.

“What’s the problem, dear?” says grandma.

“For $500, they could at least have ironed the thing!”

One very dark and stormy night an Irishman was on the side of the road hitchhiking. No cars were traveling that night.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, the man got into the car and closed the door…only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. The man looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, the man watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter the man saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. Gathering his last ounce of strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and scared, but absolutely hadn’t had a drop to drink.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They too were soaked and out of breath.

Looking around they suddenly saw the man sobbing at the bar.

One of the fellows said to the other, “Look Paddy…there’s that freakin’ idiot that got in the car while we were pushin’ it!”

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! ….. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical. His doctor says he might be having some prostate problems and sends him to see a urologist.

When he gets to there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says “I’m going to check your prostate, but I’ll be using a new procedure that’s a little different than what you’re probably used to.” “First, I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say ’99.’ “

The guy obeys and says “99!”

The doctor says “now lay on your left side and while I repeat the check again take a deep breath say ’99′ again.” So the guy rolls on his left side and again say says “99!”

The doctor says “Very good! Now for the last part of the exam I want you to lie on your back with your knees slightly raised. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis and testicles to keep them out of the way. Again, take a deep breath and say ’99′.”

The guy begins: “One… Two… Three… “