JUNE 1934 TERM, COUNTY COURT, ANDERSON COUNTY, TEXAS:
I am writing of my will mineself that dis lawyir want he should have to much money he ask to many answers about the family.
First think i dont want my brother Oscar to get a g** d** think i got – he is a mumser and he done me out of four dollars fourteen years since.
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there? ” The waitress nodded “Yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasions or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “America” in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
(To the tune of Billy Joel’s “It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me”)
What’s the matter with the chip I’m using?
Can’t you tell that it’s not pipelined?
Maybe I should buy an 8087
Welcome back to the days offline.
Where have you been hiding out lately honey?
Your system can’t crawl ’til you spend a lot of money.
Everybody’s talkin’ ’bout the new chip
Funny but it’s still x86 to me
What’s the matter with the RAM I’m using?
Can’t you tell that it’s FPM?
Maybe I should get an ISA RAM-card?
Are you gonna use an MFM?
Nowadays you can’t be too buckaroo
You’re best bet’s an Itanium, Opteron too…
Hot RISC, Cool CISC, BIOS patch on old disks,
it’s still x86 to me.
Oh it doesn’t matter what they say in white papers
Cause it’s always been the same old scene.
There’s a new chip on deck
But you can’t get the specs from a story in a magazine…
Aimed at a counter of beans
How about an SL notebook
with a cadmium batt’ry pack?
Well you could really use a good old Kaypro
if it didn’t dislocate your back.
Don’t waste your money on a fast compiler,
you’ll get more mileage from a network filer.
SX, DX, Linux, Cyrix,
It’s still x86 to me.
What’s the matter with a BBS?
Don’t you know that that’s out of touch?
Should I get a looped T3 connection?
If you do then you’ve got too much.
Don’t you know about the new fashion, honey?
All you need is time and twenty bucks of money.
Cyrix, Pentium, Itanium and Opteron
It’s still x86 to me.
Everybody’s talkin’ ’bout the new chip
Funny, but it’s still x86 to me.
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then
says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to
100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to
see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just
fine.