Snow White used her new digital camera to take pictures of all the dwarves.
When she ran out of memory, she took it to the store to get prints made.
A week later, she returned for the photos, but the clerk said they weren’t ready yet.
She was so disappointed that she started to cry.
“Don’t worry, Snow White,” said the clerk, consoling her. ”Someday your prints will come!”
A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist were summoned to meet a wealthy racehorse magnate. He told them he would give a million pounds to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After six months of hard work, they returned to present their results to the expectant millionaire.
The geneticist said, “I’ve looked into all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors. I can’t help.”
The physiologist said, “I’ve looked at muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but the problem’s too complex. There’s just no guarantee of predicting a winner.”
Finally, the physicist calmly walks up to the millionaire and gives him an index card. “Here you go,” he says “I’ve found an equation that solves the problem for you.”
“Wow,” said the millionaire, “That’s impressive…I’ll get my check book.”
“Great. But there’s one thing you should know,” said the physicist. ”It only works for a spherically symmetric horse traveling in a vacuum.”
A struggling young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; one night he’s at one in a small town in the middle of Iowa.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor! I’ll have you know that I am a well-educated lawyer and do not appreciate your discriminating remarks and may seek action against you to perhaps correct your behavior toward blondes.”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee. “
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says “what the heck are you doing Billy Bob?!”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, “but me and the ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”
“No, Silly!” the blond said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants…I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’”
Lynn and Judy, both blonds, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Lynn explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Judy got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog who has been in their back yard yapping and barking for hours and hours. Finally the blond jumps out of bed and says “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs.
In a little while she comes back to bed—but the dog is still barking. ”What have you been doing, the dog is still barking?” demands the husband.
The blond says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!