the Daily Funnies

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says “what the heck are you doing Billy Bob?!”

“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, “but me and the ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”

“No, Silly!” the blond said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants…I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’”

Lynn and Judy, both blonds, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Lynn explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Judy got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog who has been in their back yard yapping and barking for hours and hours. Finally the blond jumps out of bed and says “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs.

In a little while she comes back to bed—but the dog is still barking. ”What have you been doing, the dog is still barking?” demands the husband.

The blond says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob”s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age,” Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop.   The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.