A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “you’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
A man dies and stands before the Pearly Gates. He’s at the end of a very long, slowly moving line. As the line advances, he finally can see what’s happening at the head of the line. There St Peter is asking people’s names, looking through a large register, and pointing them in the direction of some angels escorting people into Heaven or in the direction of the Devil, who is throwing them into a big hole down to the fires below. Except every now and then the Devil tosses someone aside into a small pile.
Finally the guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he strolls over to Satan and says “Excuse me, Mr Prince of Darkness, but I can’t help but wonder why you sometimes throw people aside instead of casting them into eternal hellfire.”
“Oh, them,” Satan replies, “they’re from Seattle and they’re still too wet to burn.”
I desperately needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss would never let me take them. So I decided to act crazy and hope I’d get them off.
I decided I’d act like I was a light bulb. So I hung from the ceiling and made humming sounds.
My co-worker (a blond) came in and heard my noises and saw me hanging from the ceiling and asked what I was doing.
I patiently explained to her that I had become a light bulb.
Just then the boss walked in and saw me hanging from the ceiling. “What in the name of God are you doing up there?”
I told him I was a light bulb.
“You’re clearly stressed out. Go home immediately and take a few days’ rest!”
I jumped down and scurried out of the office before he changed his mind.
My co-worker (the blond) followed me out.
“Exactly where do you think you’re going?” said the boss.
“Home, too” she replied. “I can’t work in the dark.”
Bill is at the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “I suspect that you might have prostate cancer, Bill.”
Handing Bill a sample jar, the doctor says, “I need a semen sample from you. Bring this back tomorrow for further tests.”
Bill returns to the doctor the next day and waits on the examining table. When the doctor comes in, Bill hands him the sample jar—empty.
The doctor say, “Now, Bill, I know that this might be unpleasant for you, but I really need that semen sample!”
A man is driving around a remote area of Cornwall and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
Two nuns are driving down a country road in England in the middle of the night. Out of nowhere, a vampire jumps out into the middle of the road.
The vampire bares its fangs at the petrified nuns, who are now stopped just feet from the hissing vampire.
One nun says to the other, “Quick, show him your cross,” and the other nun leans out the window and yells, “GET OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU TOOTHY GIT!!”